No butts!

For some people the phrase "freezing your ass off" is a joking way of commenting on the cold weather. They reminisce about the time they stood in line for 8 hours trying to get Motley Crue tickets and "just about froze our butts off" , or they warn their friends about going outside without a jacket: "Bro! You better wear a sweater or you'll freez your ass off!!" It's fun, it's friendly, but on days like today in NY, that sentence really hits too close to home.

Because ladies and gentlemen, I actually DID freeze my own ass off.

It's difficult for me to talk about and I'm sure some of you are snickering at the idea of an assless person. And I don't blame you! Even the word "ass" is funny. Don't believe me? Today in the middle of a meeting at your office, just say the word. The more random the better. "I'd like to welcome our new director of finance...Bob Jackson." "Hey Bob!" "How ya doin?" "Ass." See? Hilarious right? And what a great way to spice up other conversations. "Man, what a fine piece of ass," or "I'm gonna kick that dude's ass." Speaking of spices, sassafras is another fun word because it's a spice AND it sounds like you're saying ass twice.

What the hell was my point? Oh yeah. How I froze my ass. Off.

I was waiting for the bus, sitting patiently on the metal bench at the bus stop. Bad idea. The bus finally came but as I stood up there was a loud pop and a sudden numb feeling in my lower extremeties. I thought at first that maybe I had been sitting in an odd position and maybe my leg had fallen asleep. But on further inspection (which was actually hard, have you ever tried to LOOK at your own butt?) I discovered that my ass had actually frozen solid and congeled onto the bench. So when I stood up I became separated from my own ass.

I have managed to lead a fairly normal life after this terrible, life transforming accident. Sitting is difficult, and I can't wear low rider jeans because there is nothing holding them up. Rappers never ask me to "come on over here, won't you back that thing up!?" and I sadly cannot "shake it like a Polaroid picture". I can't take it seriously when my mom yells at me to get my lazy ass off the couch. IF ONLY COULD!!

So on this blustery cold day as you sit in your office or at home, take a moment to thank God for the ass He gave you. Because without an ass, it's such a waist.

Get it?

Wait.

Where are you going!?



** The author of this blog would like to note that she does still have an actual ass. Her only point in blathering on about this subject was because she's insane. Seriously, she could crack up over the word paperclip right now.

** The author's brain would also like to apologize for the terrible use of a pun as an ending. We are working on the final pages of the author's first full length screen play and the only brain cells we could spare to write this blog are the sleep deprived, alcohol filled ones. Our most humble apologies. We promise to discuss a serious issue like global climate change tomorrow.

** yeah right.