What I did not do on my summer vacation

I’d like to dispel some rumors that have been swirling around about my trip to Puerto Rico. Apparently you guys think I’m just fooling around down here, and that’s totally untrue.

- I have not abducted a Spanish speaking man to translate my blog for me. (Unless “translate my blog” means something dirty, then I TOTALLY have.)

- I am not hung over each morning as I write this (since being hung over would require me to stop drinking.)

- I do not stand on my friend’s balcony shouting “MIRA!!” at anyone who passes by. (I only do that during the day.)

- I have not hired a mariachi band to play for me while I lounge at the pool. (There is actually something wrong with a place where you can stand at the edge of a pool and throw a rock and hit the ocean. If you have an ocean to swim in, what are you doing in a pool? More importantly, why am I throwing rocks??)

Just because I’m not writing from New York doesn’t mean I don’t face real problems during the day like I would at home. For example…do I wear the purple swimsuit today or the blue one? Should I take a nap by the pool in the morning or in the afternoon? Will I sober up by the time my friend Susanna comes home from work and will she notice that I’ve consumed all the Jack Daniels? These are serious issues, and as you can see vacation is not all fun and games.

There is a bigger philosophical question here: is this really a vacation? Isn’t a vacation something you do to take a break from your job? As you know I don’t have a standard job. So can I call this a vacation? And if this isn’t a vacation, am I really here? Whoah. That is way too deep for this early in the AM. I better go see if that liquor store has restocked the rum yet.