¿Dónde está la biblioteca?

¡He estado en Puerto Rico exactamente 32 horas y ya yo soy con soltura en el español!! ¡Esto es increíble! ¡Yo nunca tengo que salir! Realmente, la artimaña encontraba a un tipo caliente que traducirá para mí. Diga hola Pedro.

¡Ayúdeme por favor! ¡Ella me mantiene aquí, contra mi hace para traducir su blog ridículo! ¡Esto no es chiste, ella está loca! ¡Adoro mi familia tanto y no sé si yo jamás los veré otra vez! ¡Para el amor de Dios! ¡Ayúdeme por favor!!

¡Gracias Pedro, usted es tan útil! Ahora deje de mecanografía y vaya me obtiene un colada de pina. ***

Not bad eh? Actually, the truth is I just found a free Spanish to English translation website. For all I know the paragraph above says “Hey why don’t you try learning how to speak a language instead of cheating you arrogant American pig.” I don’t know any more Spanish than I did before I left, and I haven’t met anyone yet. But it’s just my second day on vacation so I can’t be too hard on myself. Besides, it’s too early to meet anyone. My fake tan isn’t nearly dark enough (that unexplained glare you saw this morning on the southern horizon was just me walking along the beach again.) And it is a little complicated to have to bring my computer everywhere I want to go. Trust me, those people at Wendy’s REALLY hate it when you ask to connect to their wireless internet so you can figure out how to order a value meal.

Sidebar…sunrises and sunsets KICK ASS here. Yes, I’ve seen both. Other things I am currently loving: Neutrogena Instant Bronzer. I am a delicious caramel color (on my lower leg in the exact shape of my hand).

Yes, I am having such a great time here on the beach (and very productive – I’m working out the rewrites on my screenplay and brainstorming an idea for a NEW one.) It's amazing what you can get done laying on the beach. Despite my success down here though, I thought it would be smart to keep in mind that this is really just a vacation and I do have to go back to reality in a few days. So here are

Top Ten Reasons I Can’t Stay Here and Need to Go Back to NY in a week

10. Ummm…

9. Errr….

8. Hang on, I know there’s gotta be a reason.

7. Oh, well there’s – no, that’s not it.

6. I….

5. Ahhhh…

4. Wait wait don’t tell me.

3. Oh cool, someone’s parasailing outside my window right now.

2. Sorry, back to my top ten list.

1. Long story short, I have ZERO compelling reasons to come back.

So until my fake tanner runs out or I stop being able to get on the internet, I’m not LEAVIN! Now where the hell did that Pedro guy go???

***I have been in Puerto Rico exactly 32 hours and already I am fluent in Spanish!!! This is incredible!! I never have to leave!! Actually, the trick was finding a hot guy who will translate for me. Say hello Pedro.

Please help me! She is keeping me here, against my will to translate her ridiculous blog! This is no joke, she is crazy! I love my family very much and do not know if I will ever see them again! For the love of God! Please help me!!!

Thank you Pedro, you are so helpful! Now quit typing and go get me a pina colada.