Weekly Horoscope

Pisces: Love is in the air! Quick! Cover your mouth and nose with a damp cloth!!! No! There's no time! Hurry!

Aries: You'll be pursued by a mysterious stranger. Then you'll call the cops.

Taurus: After coming in last in the office NCAA Tournament pool, you will attempt to recoup your losses when you report the gambling ring to the company HR director, who regrettably is in first place.

Gemini: You will hit the jackpot and find $100! Unfortunately you found it while looting through your wife's purse. Put it back.

Cancer: After nearly a decade of regrettable one night stands and failed relationships, tonight you will meet someone new on a blind date. Save yourself the grief: end the date early and go get a dog.

Leo: Are you seriously wearing those pants? Yeesh. Not leaving much to the imagination are you? I'm, uh, sure it seemed like a good move at the time though.

Virgo: I'm sorry about last week's horoscope. It was seriously lame. Sadly, so is this one.

Libra: Your body is a temple. Granted, a crumbling, broken down temple with no roof and a door that won't close, but a temple none the less. So eat your fruits and vegetables! Enjoy the bounty of the season by eating apples, oranges, potatoes and kale. Nothing else is really in season right now. And unfortunately the only way kale can taste good is if it's covered in chocolate. Basically what I am saying is go back to McDonalds before your temple passes out from hunger.

Scorpio: You know what they say about Scorpios right? Right? Oh. You don't? Damn it. I was hoping you did.

Sagittarius: Take the time to lend a hand to your fellow man. You never know when that fellow man is going to turn out to be rich and single.

Capricorn: A week from now you will be thousands of miles away enjoying a much deserved vacation. No wait. That'd be me. You're not going anywhere.

Aquarius: I know what you did last summer. And frankly it sickens me.