I enjoy reading my horoscope every morning, but it never really speaks to me or helps me prepare for the kind of day I actually end up having. Half of them make no sense and the rest completely do not apply to anything real. So I figured who ever writes these are as clueless as I am about predicting the future. So instead of reading someone else's I thought I'd write my own. I can't predict your future, but I should be able to make your future funnier right?
Pisces: Someone from accounts payable will screw you over today.
Aries: Human being's capacity for stupdity is unlimited. Be prepared.
Taurus: The girl on the subway is not staring at you. She's staring at the Michelob Ultra ad behind you, wondering if she could pull off that hairstyle.
Gemini: Your coworkers think they are smarter than you. They are right.
Cancer: You are the man today! Unless you are a woman waiting for a sex change operation. Then you are the man tomorrow.
Leo: I like Leos. They remind me of Leonardo DeCaprio who is a very good actor. I don't think he's that hot, but since there is no sign named "Christian Bale" I couldn't be too picky.
Virgo: What?
Libra: Today will be a defining day in your life. Your parents will tell you you were actually born in June.
Scorpio: Run!!! Run for your life!!!!!!!!! AGGGHHH!!
Sagittarius: It all becomes clear today, you will be in the right place and the right time to meet the person of your dreams. Just make sure you're standing on the corner of 29th and Lexington at precisely 4 ------ message truncated.
Capricorn: You are not the other winner of the Mega Millions jackpot. Stop telling people you are.
Aquarius: When the moon is in the Seventh House, And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide the planets, And love will steer the stars, This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius,The age of Aquarius! Aquarius! Aquarius!
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