Who Am I?

Hi Reader.

I'm tooling around with the idea of changing the format of this blog. Instead of me complaining and commenting on the world, I thought I should put my creative writing to the test and use this forum as my weekly short story outlet. Don't worry, I'll probably base all my stories on current events. And by events I mean shit that happens at the office. :)

But in the meantime, here's a good ol' fashioned rant.
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It's a known fact that when you are at work, particularly a corporate style office environment, you can't fully be the person you are at home, with your family or your friends. The kind father who tenderly makes pancakes for his 3 year old daughter on a Saturday morning cannot bring that same attitude to the office on Monday when he's got to be tough and negotiate a new contract. The wise aching, foul mouthed "go fuck yourself" comedian on Friday night cannot bring that attitude to her day job where she has to politely handle unexpected requests and crisis quietly and without drama. It seems like you have to be two different people. At least I do. And it's scaring me because I feel the difference so strongly. Does anyone else feel like this?

Any more these days I live for the first 20 minutes of every day I spend with my boss and coworker planning the day's workload and then cracking jokes. Even more than that I seem to be living for the weekends when I can be myself with my boyfriend, or at night when I'm writing. Creating worlds where I control everything and all the stories end happily (or at least with a really good car crash, or possibly lesbians making out. Or both. ) The weekends and writing. That's where I feel the real Gayle lives. The office Gayle, sometimes I don't know who she is. I feel like I'm going to work with a stranger. I don't like it.

Office Gayle is tired, easily irritated and overwhelmed. Not smiling as much, not cracking jokes, always making snide comments under my breath. And I struggle with that so much because Other Time Gayle is the opposite! I'm funny, patient, helpful, smart, and balanced. And not as loony as I'm sure this is making me sound. Sure I'm tired, but Other Time Gayle has easy access to a bed or couch and napping is always okay. If Office Gayle takes a nap, well, that would never happen because in my office I can't even close my door without someone walking in without knocking.

And I know I shouldn't complain because at the end of the day I do like my job, I like most of the people I work with very much, and let's face it...Office Gayle helps pay for all the stuff Other Time Gayle likes to do.

I guess what is unsettling about this, is somedays I feel like Office Gayle is taking over and I don't like that. Office Gayle has her place – in an office of 130+ people I know I have to be tough and draw the line and say no to people. But I don't want Office Gayle riding the train home with me. I don't want her eating my food. Because then Other Time Gayle doesn't have nearly as much fun. It's like a younger sister getting irritated because the big sister is sitting there, making her feel guilty for reading or drawing instead of reading that material Office Gayle snuck into her bag at the end of the day.

My daily struggle is how to find a way to bring more of Other Time Gayle into my daily office world. There's a gotta be a way to balance the 9-5 person I need to be with the person I like being the rest of the time.